Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
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I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
May never get over this
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
OH. COME. ON.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.