Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
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ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
*Hour 3 in the trampoline park*
My oldest has said “watch this” 212 times
My youngest is running wild in a pack of feral six-year-olds
A woman screams in the distance “Jaden, Jaxon”
There is still no bar
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.