Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
You Might Also Like
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Dear Lord..
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
To the max.. 😂
Sound on