Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)

A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.

Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.

here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.

Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.

My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.

My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent

Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it

[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes

baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines

Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again

7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.

I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.

I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.

Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]

iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you

Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]

iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!

In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.

Sure like to know that story

Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)

A face that lunched a thousand chips.

It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?

They say old habits die hard…

My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.

Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?

Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!

Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.

Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?

I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!

Husband: *sleeping soundly*

Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?

Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?

“He be dead.”

Who? Your English teacher?

I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?

Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.

Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.

Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly

Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it

Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral

When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”