Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter

Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.

I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked

Every wedding video you’ve ever seen

New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.

Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.

Me: It’s the next exit.

Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*

Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

[Dies]

Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.

Me: Dammit

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.

You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also

We are not the sane

Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.

Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved

You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away

Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for

Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?

The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.

It be like that sometimes 😆

What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.

What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.

of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare

There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.

ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?

CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?

ME: I am not.

ME: is he always this quiet

WIDOW: *sobs harder*

Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.

I’m doing crunches twice a day now…

Captain in the morning…

Nestle in the afternoon.

Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.

Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?

my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground

This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.

who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?

(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)

My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.