Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes

I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming

This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.

He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.

Waitress: Would you like an omelet?

Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…

70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses

For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear

Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.

The waitress at my favorite restaurant is so funny. She’s always saying things like “stop calling me a waitress” and “your father and I think it’s time you moved out.”

[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger

Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby

Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?

*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”

I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point

To me, being Single means never having to apologize..

Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced

90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position

[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color

Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.

Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?

told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”

it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.

INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?

ME [clever] no

ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo

KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*

ME: holy shit

coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name

Server: Congratulations, ma’am

Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?

S: Your husband said you’re eating for two

M: Oh she’s not pregnant

W: I despise you

Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.

A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.

8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!

8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles

Me: You sound like a broken record.

12:

Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.

12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.

My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”

SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and