Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
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I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Realize this:
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”