Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]

*breaks wind*

Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.

Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.

[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”

Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?

When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑

accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl

publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?

jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob

I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.

I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.

The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans

Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.

I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.

[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right

In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.

I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed

You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.

Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?

Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.

Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.

Woman: I’m a penguin.

Therapist: No, I meant lie down.

Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?

I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.

Me: I choose Truth!

Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?

Me: …I choose Dare!

I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.

ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.

Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?

It’s two tired.

You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.

Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES

Also me: is 40

I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout  was crying

“I think therefore I am”

–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four

Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?

7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten