Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Feel. He’s so soft.

Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834

Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.

I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.

Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.

Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower

Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.

Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.

Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days

Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.

If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.

Boom, boom, ching!

There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.

“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”

Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!

“I go by Barold now”

I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.

-me, to my cheese and crackers.

Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*

[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]

Interested in both term and whole life insurances.

I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to

DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.

this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket

Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.

If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.

When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.

Me: it’s cold and wet.

Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?

Me: n-no.

Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.

Me: why?

Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.

Me:

Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.

Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.

Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!

Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face

Prince Charming:

Friend:

Prince Charming: she left her shoe

When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”

Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else

I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box