Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
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Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Art by Pastelkatto
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?
just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
they should invent a rest for the wicked
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.