Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”

Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.

Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.

I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”

I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first

me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?

him: no

me: they were a-salt-ed

him:

me: a-SALT-

him: leave

“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”

My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”

My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.

WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one

My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.

Now he can hear the voices too.

People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook

boss: what is the problem

coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus

me: he peddles falsehoods

I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.

Thank you automatic ice dispenser.

I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.

Me: Look to my left.

Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?

Me: I don’t like to share.

Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?

Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!

Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?

“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw

Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages

Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume

A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you

a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions.

“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”

YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.

I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.

[speed dating]

Him: have you ever been married?

Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom

Him: lol aww you were 5?

Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30

Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.

[Sherwood Forest]

LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me

ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…

LITTLE JOHN: Right

ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor

LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them

ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?

LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.

Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.

[in the car with the wife]

*I take both hands off the wheel*

Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive

Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)

Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.