Here’s how I get my teen to text me back: I threaten to text his friends to tell him to text me back.
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[single drop of rain falls on ground]
Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
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hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.