Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best

They irony of being hit by a Dodge.

God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*

God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.

Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.

My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!

Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.

Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy

Wife: You’re supposed to cook it

figuring out my emotional availability:

last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔

we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish

I like to send homemade gifts to people.

Which one of my kids do you want?

Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat

I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.

And I think I’m winning.

I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ

All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”

At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…

i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest

*arouses suspicion*

Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.

we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still

How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.

Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?

Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey

my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have

when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”

Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something

*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*

me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please

Noted.

This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.

COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE

“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”

COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM

Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.

Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]

jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale