Here’s how I get my teen to text me back: I threaten to text his friends to tell him to text me back.
Follow me for more parenting hacks
You Might Also Like
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Yes my dude
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”