Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time

The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have

Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”

Breaking news:

Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.

“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.

some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil

[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]

Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.

me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy

Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.

ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.

RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air

ME: HOLY SHIT

Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.

[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week

My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”

“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises

friend: what are your plans for The Purge?

[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]

me: do a murder

I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!

The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.

“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.

I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…

A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.

Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃

You wish you had this many chins.

Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh

It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”

NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon

Me: good, return them to their natural habitat

Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p

Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.

I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.

299 of them are Nestlé.

Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go

Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go

If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”