Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*

Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.

Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.

Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

*taking training wheels off my old bike*

Mom: You’re not ready for this.

Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.

*starts pedaling; hits a tree*

Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.

International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*

Me: Yep. That’s the one.

Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers

Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.

Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?

Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.

My Plans:

Done with work today.

The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it

you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested

Meme Monday.

I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.

Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”

An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!

All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…

I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism

Sorry I called your baby ugly

I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”

Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food

Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.

I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.

GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale

WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point

I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.

I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.

The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”

Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.

I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.

When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.

Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you