heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
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WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it