I saw Kony kissing Santa Claus
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
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“Jess is coming over”
“Jess who indiscriminately murders people or-”
*Gets stabbed to death*
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
me: [enters symptoms into webMD] oh no i have cancer
wife: don’t listen to webMD go to a real doctor
me: well doc, what is it?
doctor: [enters symptoms into webMD] oh no you have cancer
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…