@wettbutt

heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead

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@AnOrangeSNES

“Jess is coming over”
“Jess who indiscriminately murders people or-”
*Gets stabbed to death*
“Yes”

@ScobeyWanKenobi

The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.

@trevso_electric

Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.

@House_Feminist

omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business

@daemonic3

me: [enters symptoms into webMD] oh no i have cancer

wife: don’t listen to webMD go to a real doctor

[later]

me: well doc, what is it?

doctor: [enters symptoms into webMD] oh no you have cancer

@darksidedeb

I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.

@schlimp

*steals machine parts all year*

*gets coal for xmas*

“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”

*turns coal into diamond*

@AlexvanBeek

Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.

@beersuds

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…