HERE’S MARKY
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4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
i meant to share this earlier
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
A lot of tenors look like they’re watching a T-Rex eat a kitten while they’re singing, but not ol’ Pavarotti. He looked like he was trying to remember where he parked his car.
guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.