HERE’S MARKY
You Might Also Like
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Sticker placement is key.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?