HERE’S MARKY
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I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
To whoever stole my over sized clock, you owe me big time.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward