here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
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Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Any time I throw up, I stare at it like I’m getting a message from the past.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
And we’re off! To an unreasonable start
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
scenes of unspeakable carnage
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.