Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”

~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out

It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices

If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do

Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.

Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?

Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.

The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait

i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game

in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on

I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.

I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.

my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no

I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.

I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.

I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.

*does that thing*

Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!

Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!

*three weeks later*

Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!

Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!

*day of that thing*

Me: oh no

If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”

If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!

I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.

If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys

Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.

Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand

Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?

At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.

when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol

Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.

*checks Timeline*…

Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.