Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.

“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*

Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.

waiter: would you like a soup or salad?

clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please

waiter: alri-

clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man

her: did you wrestle in high school?

me: do my emotions count?

[First day as a surgeon]

Me: Oops…..

[Last day as surgeon]

You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.

I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.

Me: OMG, what a great day!

Anxiety: Wait for it…

“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.

Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.

Cat: I think i have a rash.

Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD

The Children of the Corn were better with the Children of the Butter and the Children of the Salt.

They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.

Like that’s going to dissuade me.

Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.

Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark

Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.

What do you call clean German cabbage?

Shower-kraut.

#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

fedex guy: here’s your package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.

In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.

humans only use 10% of their treadmills

INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?

My 5 y/o just pooped teal. I asked what she ate and she said, I hid in the pantry yesterday and ate all the blue sprinkles in the shaker. FFS

Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep

Job interviewer: …and a weakness?

If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?

This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]

You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?

~my favorite guy at the bar.

God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’

Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.

[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?