Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?

ME: Here, take my seat

EXECUTIONER: No thank you

Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’

Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’

The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…

Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.

I know that now…

professor x: what’s your super power

owl: terrible memory

professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?

owl: who

When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”

I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.

I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints

Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.

so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not

7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.

Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….

It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.

When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.

I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”

I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.

Nobody:

Nobody:

Nobody:

Nobody:

Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely

We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.

[narrating a commercial for therapy]

“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”

Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.

There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.

Her: I hate organized religion

Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too

1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.

Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again

#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood

Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators

That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.

My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.

Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.