Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[my first attempt at standup]

ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…

MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t

Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.

*skinny dips into black hole

💀💀

Found a free bandaid at the pool.

The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.

Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.

I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.

Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*

Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER

[news anchor]

“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”

Me: Did-

Wife: Your blood pressure is fine

I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.

Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.

My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.

wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how

My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.

Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.

[every game of Words with Friends with me]

Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points

Me: plays POO for 6

I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.

If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.

[party city]

employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?

me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome

I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.

That’ll blow his Lil mind

Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.

Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.

I’m sticking to my guns.

I really should have washed my hands after I ate.

Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.

me: *click*

ceiling fan: still on

me: *click*

ceiling fan: still on

me: *click*

ceiling fan: one more

me: *click*

ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!

I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”

And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.

Dear Captchas,

I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid

The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.