Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
You Might Also Like
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.