Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]

funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?

employee: well every time i put his left leg in…

Lmfao

Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.

I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.

GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face

ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent

the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire

The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke

ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building

I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.

How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?

Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.

She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.

So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1

Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?

Me: No, absolutely not.

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2

Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?

Me: After you eat your real breakfast.

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3

Kid: What’s for breakfast?

Me: Popsicles.

(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*

I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.

This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.

I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.

Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.

Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.

Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.

Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar

Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird

I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib

I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.

Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??

I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife

[sitting in dentist’s chair]

Dentist: get out of my living room

[on a date]

Him: I love the law.

Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.

I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..

Boss: you’re fired

Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?