Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
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AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
However I die, I want my tombstone to say “Unknown Local Man Found Eaten By Squirrels.”
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.