Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
