Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣

Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.

I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol

[new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people have asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

I am interested in:

⚪️ men

⚪️ women

🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive

Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?

Wife: I’m definitely bothered

In my 20s: jingle all the way

In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty

Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.

DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*

ME: cmon man

DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*

ME: I’m so hungry, David

pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do

Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.

The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.

[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”

Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of

Hot Panini is in big trouble

My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.

Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.

If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team

My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.

My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”

He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”

That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO

*knocks on woman’s washroom*

Hello anyone in here?

*no one answers*

*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*

HAHAHA

*runs away giggling*

May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”

Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?

Me: sure!

Husband: any ideas?

Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?

Husband:

Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?

Husband:

Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?

[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral

“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm

rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.

Dear Mr. Horsefly:

Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.

Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.

‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’

HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.

ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.

Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.

*all of the ghosts boo in unison*

I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite