Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: “Are you single?”

Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”

My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram

If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.

Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!

-My dog’s daily announcements

*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*

*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*

*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF

picture a potato but sexy

lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked

lot going on here, legally speaking.

GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt

GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok

ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself

I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin

My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”

tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…

…. making a bucket list

ad for letuce:

do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water

Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”

I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.

Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.

“I’m not a fan.”

-air conditioner

This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.

Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.

Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”

It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.

My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.

[praying in church]
Please God let church end early

Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s

Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.

Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.

How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips

I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”

I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days

If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.