Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila

All day: I’m so tired I could cry

12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now

If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.

the rocks need my help

Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car

my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”

Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.

[job interview]

BOSS: biggest weakness?

ME: I never know when to quit

BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired

ME: I quit

Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life

it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman

I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.

#dnd #ttrpg

“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.

I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!

Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.

Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.

I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls

There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”

My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.

Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method

Friend: what the hell does that mean

Guy: we ratatouille the horse

Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.

me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-

boss: *leans in and whispers*

me: essential. they say i’m essential.

If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.

I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.

Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow

contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment

super villain: no

contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming

The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.

I’m going to run errands, need anything?

“Yes, some new light bulbs”

Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?

“And a good divorce lawyer”

Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”

Me:”You mean ASAP?”

Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”

6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?

Taxidermist: He will not