Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
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growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.