Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
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[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
We are the people our parents warned us about.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.