A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
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I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
he looks great for his age
The Struggle
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Cha-ching is my safe word
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait