the opposite of a charles manson is a nicole kidman
Here’s some music you didn’t want to hear.
– wind chimes
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My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
CUTE GIRL AT SCHOOL: wanna come study *bites lower lip* anatomy with me?
ME: nah, i’m not in that class this semester
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
I’m anti-thesaurus, for lack of a better word.
Wait. I thought Fifty Shades of Grey was just a coloring book for dogs.
People over 70 have a much different idea of what constitutes a story.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?