Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
You Might Also Like
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son