Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
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made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Ha
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang
Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
he chose this
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.