Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
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This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.