Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
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“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Dry Turkey isn’t the problem, you need to make more saliva.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first