Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-

Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready

The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.

[first time in a bed]

me: this blanket is really heavy

salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress

Top Four Signs of Job Security:

4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss

All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.

Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof

My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*

My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.

Stock market update:

Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok

doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what

My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.

“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.

Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!

My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum

as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations

my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.

nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end

*on the phone*

Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.

Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.

M: How long will it be?

H: Uhh, a foot?

M: …

it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too

unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.

Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.

[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way

As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.

Boss – can you pass a piss test?

Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?

I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.

Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.

I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.

[i see a hot girl walking her dog]

me: hi, can i ask you a question?

her: hi, uh, sure

me: i was talking to your dog

her: oh haha ok

me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me

C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*

me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*

*whispering to my belly fat*

I just can’t quit you.