Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*

dogs can find happiness so easily

can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival

*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.

don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.

Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?

Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.

Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.

Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.

My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.

I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.

ME: I worked at a zoo for a while

THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?

ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories

I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS

Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”

Banking tips

“Grandma jumped in front of my client.”
-Reindeer lawyer

One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.

Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES

Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date

Blind Date: WHAT

Me: Kind of like a big raisin

ㅤ

*me, at high school prom

Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?

My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.

LAUGHING.

When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.

Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.

1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.

2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.

3. Death is an added advantage.

microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”

Kid: I want pancakes.

Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.

Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?

Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this

My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.

I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it

Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field

Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”

Me: No I want to get hit by lightning

Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…

To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.

If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.

I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.