Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.

I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan

america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’

Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.

Yup

We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.

everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week

Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.

“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”

Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy

“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.

Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.

[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?

me: sure. you look like a Tiffany

barista: no i mean a name for the order

me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”

absolute chaos

Motion detecting home security camera working well!

I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.

Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:

i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.

I like my women how I like my microwaved food.

Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.

Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.

I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice

Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens

… I think my cough medicine expired

[ restaurant ]

him: how long for a table

me: about 8 feet

him: no the wait

me: ah, 90 lbs

When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.

Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”

Me: How was school?

Toddler: Candice has a different mom.

Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.