Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.

(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*

i hate you platonically

If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.

Why you on this flight to LA?

“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”

What’s it called?

“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”

Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.

I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”

welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds

I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets

BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time

*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*

Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.

Pizza is an emotion right?

by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die

me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?

Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.

i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.

it wasn’t ebola

it wasn’t trump

it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year

it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone

I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.

We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.

I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions

The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.

Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?

I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.

Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO

“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”

*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*

The bar sign said

“WiFi password since1938”

And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time

How’d you get those bruises?

*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*

Karate.

I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.

Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.

So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?