Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
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me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Our dog knows way too many phrases now, so my husband and I have resorted to talking like Victorian nobility to get anything by him. “Have you taken the dog on a brisk adventure recently? Would you escort the canine to the backyard, forthwith? Has he supped yet?”
Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.