Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing

“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean

Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?

when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.

i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her

Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.

Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous

IKEA Manager: Sir.

The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?

When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.

~ Night club conversations and marriage

The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.

2044: the weekend becomes sentient.

2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.

I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in

Try and stop me.

[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.

*zoom meeting*

Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion

Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening

Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”

Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.

‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC

Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony

*A guide to 1st dates*

Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?

To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.

Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?

today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total

I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.

[Swiss bank]

ME: I’d like to take out a loan

CASHIER: Okay, what kind?

ME: A tober

CASHIER: what?

ME: A toberloan

CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?

ME: …toberloan

There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.

Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)

Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti

Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that

*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?

Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.

she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October