Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.

I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”

My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”

Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!

Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?

IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY

Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.

[Star Trek: The Next Generation)

Picard: Why are they firing at us?

Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.

If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.

Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!

-my baby

not to brag, but mine was free

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol

Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.

Bartender: What’ll It be?

Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.

Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?

*Looks up from phone*

No idea

Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner

ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present

ESKIMO: You idiot

[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that

no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden

“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.

Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.

Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this

How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home

How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”

75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.

We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds

my favorite gender

Did you know?

Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.

[Waiting at the dentist]

*leans over to stranger*

I’ll clean your teeth for half price.

I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag

ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid