Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.

I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”

I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”

Can’t shop there again.

I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.

10: “What are we doing today?

Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”

10: “Then what are we going to do?”

Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”

Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.

First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.

me: want to go hunting this weekend?

friend: sure i’m game.

me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.

My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes

When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.

For cardio I live beyond my means.

Guy: so what u up to after this?

Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley

Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)

I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.

i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form

Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.

got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions

HR: Well?

Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot

HR:

Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye

HR:

Me: can I have my bra back?

My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.

♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫

american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere

Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.

John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice

Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-

John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE

I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.

Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.

Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat

Kill them with kindness, you say?

*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*

Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.

Kay’s emergency department tape rule:

If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.

If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.

“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle

[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!