Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating

Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.

Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.

I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.

“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee

Hormones: hey what’s up?

Me: just reading a book.

Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.

Me: wait no—

Hormones: AND CRY.

I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.

Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?

Teenage me: definitely.

30s me: Wait, what

Press 1 for English
Press 2 For Spanish

Press 1 or 2 for Indian

If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.

Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.

Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.

Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?

i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket

i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too

My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.

ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.

Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.

Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair

ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…

ME: are those new shoes?

HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…

ME: *tearing up* yes?!?

HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how

1st base: sex

2nd base: not wearing makeup

3rd base: calling each other

home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas

Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?

My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”

9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this

you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.

i feel so bad i refunded him

FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby

A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.

Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.

Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*

Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.