Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
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Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
emergency phone
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?