Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st night w/Russian bride]

“take yr panties off”

[smaller panties underneath]

“them too”

[even smaller panties underneath]

“damnit…”

me: get out of your own head live in the now

also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings

I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.

Walk of shame

Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up

*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”

I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.

Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

“We really must stop meeting like this!”

i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video

My dad: you know how you Love Christmas

12 yo me: yes

My dad: How would you feel about two of them

Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me

Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?

Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.

The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.

[first date]

Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.

If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.

Husband: *leaves to run an errand*

Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*

Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?

~people

I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.

Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up

Son: I want to be a dinosaur

Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.

Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president

Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!

*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!

I just checked Web MD and I have everything

Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?

*ninja group therapy

Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!

“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”

A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.

Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.

“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”

The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.

I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!

If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.