here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
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a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know