here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
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Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
me, on a business trip calling my kids on my last night: how was your day?
6: it was good, but tomorrow is going to be great!
me: aw, because I’m coming home?
6: because it’s “dress like a winter animal day”
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.