here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
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“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
The cashier just checked me out.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
“I’ve recently come into some money.”
*winks and hands over the few dollars I made at my garage sale to the bank teller to deposit into my account*
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
At my funeral sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.