here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
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If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Husband of the year 😂
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough