“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
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I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
My typo game is string.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
I treat people the way I want to be treated by not leaving the house.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?