“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
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I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
i have never been so disappointed in all of my life
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
you can only post this today
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
There’s an envelope on my doormat with “DO NOT BEND” on it. What am I supposed to do, then – pick it up with my foot?
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?