“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
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Real House Wines.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.