Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
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I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
You: “Calm down!”
Me: *kills you, calmly
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
I wouldn’t let you touch me with a 10 foot pole! No seriously, why do you have a 10 foot pole?! THAT’S NOT NORMAL!
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Me: bro, spot me
Guy at next urinal: no
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.