Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.

Dear Abby,

I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.

What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?

Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.

[holds out handful of sliced cheese]

pick a card

“Don’t make things all about you for once…”

My mother says hi.

I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.

I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.

“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”

-me, drunk, walking into a wall

if someone leaves your life it’s often because the actor playing them is getting cancelled in the real world

Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor

Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?

Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course

British people be like “I’m Bri ish” cause they drank the “T”😭

No. He’s not coming out to play

Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.

In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.

I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity

Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…

Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio

Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”

I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.

My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.

My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.

Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.

Me: I wish for unlimited genies.

Genie: Son of a

fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me

I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.

ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”

BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.

[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]

[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!

My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.

[working from home]

8:00am: wake up

8:30am: eat cereal

8:30-noon: can’t remember

noon: open laptop

noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”

12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up

12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up

1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp

Judas is buying everyone shots.

Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him

I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel