Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friday

FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead

i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there

me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god

True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.

genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud

Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?

My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.

Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.

when you don’t want to be too vague

It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner

*about to die*

Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!

*life flashes before my eyes*

Me: Oh, right.

Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”

He didn’t even die.

Killing people with kindness is hard.

Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children

Him: where do you wanna go eat?

Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy

First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem

December has 5 Saturdays.

FIVE.

That November salary will be fighting for its life.

Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*

Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it

Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)

Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you

*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*

“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.

I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.

Optometrist: better or worse?

Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now

toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil