Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.

Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?

.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back

bible: love thy enemy

me: loves carbohydrates

There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things

Life is a suicide mission.

Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows

Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.

The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.

we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease

1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM

BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”

Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911

When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.

How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.

I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”

Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..

I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..

H- you’d better get to a doctor

Me: It hasn’t even been a full day

H: what? It’s been two days

Me: how do you figure?

H: today and yesterday

Me:

Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.

meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned

me: way ahead of you

“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”

I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.

[bursts into garage]

“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”

i’m trying to kill myself

“but you drive an electric car”

I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.

Foot f**ish should just be called feetish

[at an interview]

Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?

Me: I get along well with others

Interviewer: your greatest weakness?

Me: I use a lot of duct tape

“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.

IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY

Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.