Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
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Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
house sitting!
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
I hope this email finds you in a well
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*