Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.

We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.

Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without

SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men

HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool

SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth

HOBBITS: WOW

I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.

“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.

Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?

socratic questions

No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.

Old joke:

Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”

Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”

Customer: “You did it last year.”

Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro

It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨

Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.

United Steaks of America

I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable

(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow

Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.

Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.

Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off

I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.

‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.

Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!

Farmer: Yes I did

Farmer’s second head: WE did

HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.

[first day as a doctor]

me: we need to amputate your son’s leg

mother: i want a second opinion!

me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually

mother: no, another doctor

another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite

My dating profile:

CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing

sometimes i miss this memes

When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible

they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork

You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN

Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!

Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!