Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster

Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?

ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!

6YR OLD: what are we having?

ME: you’ll like it! trust me!

6: I ain’t falling for that shit again

[One hour past bedtime]

[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!

Me: YES?

3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.

Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.

3:

Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.

Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be

Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.

I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.

Them: Question everything.

Me: Why?

6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*

“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”

Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*

When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.

(first day as a bartender)

customer: fifth of scotch.

me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.

Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.

“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.

If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.

If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist

ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me

“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.

People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.

Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?

Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan

Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.

Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.

if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.

Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?

Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times

ME: [backing into driveway]

WIFE: Where’s the car?

I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.

I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.

LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.

L-O-L!

Why would I want to fund a crowd?

I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.