Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.

*wife looks through my phone

*divorces me 8 times

if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins

Me: wanna go cow tipping?

Other person: that sounds fun

*LATER*

Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy

My dad is describing in great detail how he would kill the grinch while My mom is cooking breakfast for sixteen people.

I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after

If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.

Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.

At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.

Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…

Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?

Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?

Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill

nobody:
my fish before I fry it:

Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.

When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.

The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.

FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed

ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary

I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.

-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids

A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.

HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady

ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*

Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today

I was first in line

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

Boss: Are you asleep?

Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off

B: That’s unacceptable!

M: I apologised, didn’t I ?

B: And where are your pants?

M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked

My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.

There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.

My whole life was a lie.

as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?

Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you

Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”

3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor

I deserve that.

The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.