Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
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You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
A great first step 😂
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
On the night before Christmas, I was taking a walk,
Avoiding my girlfriend, who “needed to talk.”
When what on my new hat did appear,
But a sprinkling of poo from eight flying reindeer!
The old sleigh driver flew on so quick,
I shook my fist and yelled, “You stupid prick!”
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
The cake is mightier than the sword.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
They must have gotten it to go.
