Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
You Might Also Like
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini
I thought this was funny lol
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.