Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Diary,

– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.

Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest

Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]

accurate

I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!

Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?

Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol

me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)

me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: watching Doc McStuffins.

Wife: but the kids are in bed.

Me: so?

Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?

Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?

Wife:

Me:

Wife: so what’s this episode about?

Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.

McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order

ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):

My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.

Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.

Mommy, what are these?

“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”

Oh, then you shouldn’t yell

“Why?”

[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP

“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”

-corduroys

People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection

The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.

So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.

Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.

Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.

like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.

if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”

“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”

Me: I don’t feel well

Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?

Me: No

Mom: …

Me: …

Mom: …

Me: *throws up plastic banana*

Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so

Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.

Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.

Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.

huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror

Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.

An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road

can they shut down Teams instead of tiktok

Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.

saw this in a dream