Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.

Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*

HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!

Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.

People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “

When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.

[Bowling date]

Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…

Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe

“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”

“How are your resurrecting skills?”

Was excited about this gym membership I got for Christmas, but today I found out you’re not supposed to “just watch.”

My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.

I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze

[math class]

ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place

STUDENT: what’s the point?

ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway

STUDENT: I mean in that number

ME: oh, that’s the decimal

If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.

I have nothing positive to report.

Except that roadside drug test.

Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks

[cleaning the garage]

ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway

12YO: ok which app do I use

ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app

12YO: is it on mom’s phone

ME: no app. push. the. broom.

12YO:

ME:

12YO: so should i download it

[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*

4yo has never been overly original in toy-naming; his T. Rex is named Rexy, his stegosaurus is Steggy, his triceratops is Triceratopsy, his stuffed dog is Puppy. He now has a new triceratops and to differentiate between the two has decided to invoke the animal’s prominent horn.

to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica

Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.

Remember to think of others this holiday season!

Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?

-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender

Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.

Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?

Me: Well how much does the position pay?

Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays

Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?

Boss: Then we won’t hire you

Me: What if I underestimate?

Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!

Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?

BF: Haha your hair!

Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures

Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.

Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.

I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit