Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
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hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Me My dog
