Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
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Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Shortcut
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
He wanted to make sure😂
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
happy mother’s day❤️
Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.