“Here’s where you’ll be working… You can look at your phone as much as you like, pet bunny rabbits, and there’s a free McFlurry machine over there. Oh, and you’ll be working alongside Diane, who’s an insane, poisonous harpy who will try to destroy your mind for no real reason.”
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Roombas should bark
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
