“Here’s where you’ll be working… You can look at your phone as much as you like, pet bunny rabbits, and there’s a free McFlurry machine over there. Oh, and you’ll be working alongside Diane, who’s an insane, poisonous harpy who will try to destroy your mind for no real reason.”
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
This is my brand.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
