Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Well well well…
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
