Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i’ll have the mouse, please

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food

me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?

[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!

We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”

annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.

margaret really hates that.

Pro Tip:

If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.

I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.

My Wife wasn’t.

She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.

Odd, we don’t own a dog.

Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.

ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.

[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.

are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*

There’s so much going on 😂😂😂

My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all

I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.

they really do be looking like this

my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting

Me: wanna play would you rather?

Her: sure

Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house

[gutter rattles in the backyard]

Her: *narrows eyes*

I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.

Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.

Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you

*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”

Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.

WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?

ME: Actually I think it was-

*cat makes throat slice gesture*

-the wind

[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”

When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume

#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?

The slowest swimmer.

The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.

I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.

If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.

guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name