“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
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TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
The Most Popular Apps:
*Door Bash, the delivery app for face punches
*NapChat, the messenger app for sleepy time
*Robe Locks, the bathrobe security app
*Air B&E, the apartment sharing app for burglars
*Andy Crush, the app that tells Andrew Garfield if you think he’s cute
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?
Me: I don’t like your tone.